I'm Not That Girl

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl:

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl

Wicked

Addicted to Austen

So recently I have been watching all these Jane Austen movies! They are just soooo amazing! What a world it was back then! So crazy! I have watched Mansfield Park, Sense and Sensibility, and Pride and Prejudice recently. I just need to watch Emma, and I am sure there are other ones! I really want to read all of these books. I am just not sure if I will be able to hold out on reading them. Haha

Anyway I have been home for the past two days, and I just love it! I am soooo happy here! And I think I just need a change of scenery to be happy! I think I am going to move. I haven't hashed out all the details yet on what I am going to do. All I know is that I just HAVE to get out of the place where I have been through soooooooo much! I think I have seriously been depressed. I am tired of putting forth the effort to be noticed when I know I clearly am NOT! But this blog is not to complain or whine about things. I am just simply letting you, the reader, in my mind on why I am making a very big decision in my life. Anywho... I am just happy at home, and I can't wait to see what is going to happen in the next couple of months! Love love love love love!

Self Worth

So tonight at my institute we had this spa night for all the girls. Before we started pampering ourselves we had to sit through this lesson. The lesson was about inner beauty. I originally didn't want to go to "spa night" because I have been feeling anti social, if you can believe that. I ended up going and let me tell you, I am glad that I did. I really needed to hear the lesson that was given. It was like it was directed straight towards me! I love how every once in a while there are those words that you just need to hear, and someone gives a lesson, and you are like, "can you read my mind... did you write that just for me?" Crazy, I know! This was one of those times. The wonderful person giving the lesson was talking about being women, and the specific things our Heavenly Father gave us as women. It was very sweet and loving and compassionate. It made me think that ok... I can be mad...(like I so clearly pointed out in my last blog)... but as a Daughter of God, and a caring compassionate woman, I can choose to be loving. I actually felt myself torn between wanting to be mad, and knowing I don't have to be, and feeling love. Just the pure love that our Savior has taught us to have. It was an incredible break through, I thought, on my attitude. Maybe I knew what I had to do, but I just didn't want to do it. So this actually was a blessing for me. It wasn't a slap in the face as so many break throughs are. It was a gentle reminder of who I am and how I should be acting. When we were talking about the qualities that women have I couldn't help but think of my wonderful mom! It made me miss her so much. She is so loving and can heal my heart when it is broken, and ultimately do anything she wants. She is super mom! Haha I guess this was a good thing for me to hear. Now all I need to do is show people that I can be happy, and that things are going to get better. I think maybe with the right attitude all this crap that I am going through will be manageable. Just maybe.... Haha Anyway, I am very thankful for my wonderful friends. I only have a couple... haha but at least I have some! So to my friends, thank you for putting up with me when I was acting like The Grinch! I promise I will try and pull myself out of it! Love you!

"You belong with me!"

So just for the record my titles to my posts don't necessarily have anything to do with what I am going to write about. Like this post isn't really about someone belonging with me... the song was just in my head, and I love it. Ha Sooooooooo.... lately I have been really down in the dumps. And more recently I have been talking about how we are able to control what kind of mood we are in. LIke if I am happy it is because I am choosing to be happy. Or if I am sad it is because I am choosing to be sad, etc. But at this moment i wish I didn't have that knowledge. I just want to be sad without having to choose to be sad. Or have some sort of emotion without having to make it be that way. Like just amazingly happy without even thinking about it. Even sad without even thinking about it. But as it is, I have to think about the things in my life that aren't going right. I have to make myself appear happy. It is tiring. So as of right now I guess I am choosing to be angry at little things that happen to me; people that don't care to have me around; friends who "pretend" to be friends. I don't really care that I am angry... it feels better than pretending to be happy. I don't want to seem happy when I am just not. And right now, heck no I am not happy.

But, I just needed to get that out. Sometimes saying things without the surety that someone is listening is a lot better than saying it to their face thinking they care enough to comfort you or be there for you. I feel like it is passing on a risk that could potentially hurt you. And I am all about avoiding situations where I am going to be hurt. I am not really into that whole putting myself through pain. I am tired of being the chaser in any situation. With friends, family, relationships. So I guess I am just going to take a chill pill and sit back. I have been alone lately and I am kind of getting used to it. I want to be able to fend for myself, and I am slowly but surely learning how to do that. So if sitting back means I will be alone, then I am fine with it. Just means there are no disappointments. Which is fine by me.

Anywho... Haha I just had, and have a vision of what I want my life to be. Lets hope I can in someway control it. And if not, who knows where life will take me. I guess I am along for the ride.

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moods

sad
lazy
bored
happy
energetic
depressed
angry
sleepy (yes it is a mood)
crazy
nostalgic
rebellious
loving
romantic

just some of the moods or feelings of everyday life...

song of the day... need you now- lady antebellum

i am putting together lists of movies that need to be seen and books that need to be read...

The heart breaking, disappointing, up and down, game of life.

Life is just ridiculous sometimes. I love my life, but sometimes it just doesn't make me happy. I had a recent change of events happen to me lately. I was with a boy, but now I am not. I was really mad for like a day, but then just decided to get over it! I felt like I had the right to be mad. So I was. But now I am over it. But the good news is that I now have two jobs! Count them... TWO!!! It is really awesome! I work for the UNC Catering services and Little Caesars! I haven't started Little Caesars yet, but Catering is really fun! I am having a fun time working hard! Well that is just some of what is going on with me for now! Just a quick update! Oh and I have some people I want to say that I love soooo much! They are pretty much my life savers! Jill... amazing! Aubrey... amazing! Kevin... amazing! Mom... amazing! Haha!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE them! Oh yeah and I am going to see New Moon with Jill tomorrow! Soooooo excited! Can't even wait!

We thought she was a black girl!!!

So tonight was the first UNC Bears Boys Basketball game! My boyfriend Hauns is on the team! So obviously I went to see him play! Not only did I watch him play but I sang the National Anthem for the game! I was really nervous... but in the end it was pretty great! The team was standing there and they all cheered for me when I was done. So after the game my friend Yahosh, who is also a member of the church and on the team, told me that some of the guys were talking about my singing. I guess they were like, "Oh that is Hauns' girl???? She sounds like a black girl!" I am sure they said this because I did a couple of runs in the song... not like crazy ones... just threw in some fun stuff (mostly because Hauns really likes it when I do that stuff!) haha So I have come to the conclusion that if you just close your eyes and listen to me sing I am a black girl! Haha Crazy boys! My friend Jill was saying I try and tone down my blackness... which is why I look white! Haha sooooo great!

Anyway, the boys won! It was like 111 to 58 or something. We played Western State. They had some pretty good players. They had this guy who was like hitting every single 3 pointer he would shoot. That was in the first half... in the second half I don't think he made one! Sad day! We also discovered the crush of the week! Jill had a crush on one of the boys on the other team! Haha But our guys played really well! Hauns went in at the end of the first half! He didn't score any points. But in the second half he played quite a bit. He scored 5 points, had some pretty sweet rebounds, and just hussled in general! I am sure as time goes by he will get more playing time in the future! But he did so well, I am very proud of him! It was his first game in like two years. He just recently got back from a mission in Taiwan. So he did well for not playing a game in long time! I loved watching him play and I can't wait for another home game!

And just to throw this out there... Michael Buble's new CD is pretty freaking amazing! I love it! LIsten to it if you know what is good for you! My favorite song is "Haven't Met You Yet"! Sooooo good! Watch the music video! You will love it!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA

...

Impatience is not a virtue......

Still waiting.

To Be, Or Not To Be....

"'To be, or not to be? That is the question...'

But Shakespeare was wrong.

Knowing that I am a child of God, what need I do

and be to live up to this potential... That is the question!"

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

So there was a CES Fireside on Sunday night. It was such an amazing talk. President Uchtdorf is such a great speaker. He is so filled with love. His talk was filled with just about everything I needed to hear! I love my gospel so much! I can't get enough of it. I want to read the talks given by the Apostles of the Lord all the time. I love hearing their words. I love reading the scriptures. It brings me such great comfort to just sit and read what my Savior has to say to me. I love it. I love the feelings of happiness that never cease to fill my heart when I am seeking after the word of God. I love how loving and gentle our Prophets are. They are so hopeful about every subject they touch on. Love is a large part of my core being. I thrive off of love, the feelings that love brings, the warmness of feeling loved and wanted, and cared for. President Uchtdorf talked about being happy and finding joy in our lives. I have heard it again and again. We can choose to be happy. Our Father in Heaven wants us to be happy, and we can ultimately choose that happiness. That is something that I am still working on in my life. I love to be happy, but sometimes it just doesn't seem like the easy thing to do. But as some of us heard in the talk on Sunday night, we can all choose to be happy. There it was again... choice... agency. I love this gospel of hope and love.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

some people might not know some things about me... and i don't really know who reads this... but it is kinda for me as well as other people. So here it is... stuff about Kennedy McIntosh you might not be able to see on the outside...

10. I am a hopeless romantic. To the max!

9. I am super sensitive... to just about everything.

8. I love attention... but then again who doesn't?

7. Singing is my life.

6. I have dreams about my life that no one knows about.

5. When I hear a song I fall in love with, I become absolutely obsessed with it. I will listen to it over and over again.

4. I love getting flowers. Hasn't happened in a long time. But when it does happen it is one of the most special things ever!

3. I HATE being alone.

2. My family is more important to me than anything.

1. I love My Savior.

Life is nuts!

Well it has been a long time since I have written on here! So here is the update! I moved up to Greeley for school again. I started going to school and from there things just got super crazy! School is pretty tough this semester, I am taking German and Music History, which are my two hardest classes. But school wise things are going pretty well. I am still singing, and I love it so much! As far as my social life goes... well I have had some difficulty in that department. I missed my bestie... Melanie so much! Still miss her... but I guess things are going ok now. I went home a while ago and just wanted to stay there. It was like pulling teeth to get me to come back up to Greeley. Sorry Greeley loves! Haha But I am back up in Greeley now, and actually things are going very well. As soon as I got over myself and started focusing on other things than the pitty party I had going on things started happening.... First of all a really good friend was very persistent in trying to get me to open up to him. Haha Hauns Brereton was there for me the day I got back and things were just ridiculous. He was there to hang out with me... and well we got to be better friends than we were already.... Then we started dating!!!! Haha He is a basketball player for UNC, just got off his mission like three months ago, he went to Taiwan. He is also 6'6"!! So super tall. It is funny because he is still taller than me when he is sitting... I guess it depends on the chair he is sitting in! haha but he is still crazy tall! haha It is the best!

But anyway, right now I am just trying to find a job so I can stay up here in Greeley! School is super expensive! It sucks! I am sure there will be more things to talk about some other time! But for now that is what is going on in my life!

Fallin' For You... <3!

So I am up here at school. It has been two weeks, probably two of the most difficult two weeks for me lately. I left my family, my best friend, and my comfort box. Haha But things have been going ok up here, apart from the difficult part! One of the things that has been getting me through is music! Haha I have been obsessed with Colbie Caillat's new song Fallin For You! It is the best thing that has ever happened to me! Haha As my friends know up here, I pretty much say that about everything I like! "Oh my gosh that is the best thing that have ever happened to me! Oh my gosh I that is my favorite song! Oh my gosh I love that more than anything!" Haha When I get really excited about something I usually say one of those statements. I am just out of control! Haha

So.... I have gone on a date, and I am going on two more this weekend. I am really excited! I love getting to know people better! That is another thing that has been getting me through my "situation" haha. But I love the people in Greeley. My ward has been awesome so far! I have been getting closer to Carol, Tanner, Devin, Ryan, Alessandra (my awesomest roommate ever! haha), Josh, and so many more people! We have been going crazy... we watch these Youtube videos that are just amazingly funny! One is called 'Can I have yo numba?' and the other one is 'Bon Qui Qui'. Pretty much... we quote these all the freaking time! And pretty much everyone that hangs out at the institute knows these skits... mainly because I am constantly quoting them! Haha Well that is my exciting news for right now! Love love!

Here Comes Goodbye :(

Well, today is my last real day in A-town, my home, and with my best friends, especially Melanie! It is now just hitting me right now that I am not just going up to Greeley for a visit, but that I am actually moving my life back up there. Although I am going to have a great year, I am so sad to be leaving my life down here. I have met so many wonderful people while I was home for the summer, and strengthened an already great friendship. This summer has been filled with a lot of good times, and sad times also. But overall I think this summer has been the best I have EVER had! I had to opportunity to do so many things. I went rock climbing with my family. I went to the pool almost every day for a month and a half with Mel. I went on so many great dates. I woke up at 4 in the morning to go wakeboarding! I saw movies, played some intense volleyball, stayed up until 4 am, and even went to work the next day! I went mini golfing for the first time, got addicted to Dr. Pepper, and got to work with some of my best friends! I was attached at the hip to my best friend ever... and did everything with her this summer! As you can tell it was a very eventful summer! So thank you everyone for making it the best ever!

Me and Melanie BESTIES!!!

Calvin Funk

Steffen Moss

Preston Jones

Tyler Crook

Get a load of me, get a load of you! <3

So I have been having the best summer ever! I have had to opportunity to hang out with some new friends, and of course my best friend pretty much every day! I don't think I would have had it any other way. Lately I have been contemplating my life in every way possible. I have been thinking about what I want in an eternal companion, about school, about my social life, about my religion, really just about everything! I love my life so much, and I am so thankful that I have to opportunity to do what I do.

I had to opportunity to give a talk in church today, and to sing two different times. I gave a talk on trials and how we are refined through them if we choose to be. It was a very eye opening concept to think about. I thought about how much the early saints suffered, and how Joseph Smith suffered so much in his life. These people suffered so much yet they chose to turn to the Lord with their trials. It just amazes me how some people can have that much faith. I know that I try and have that much faith, but it doesn't seem like I get anywhere. Anyway, I sang with a friend in church and it just filled me up so much. I love singing more than anything. I also sang my favorite song to sing, I Heard Him Come, in my aunts ward. I just LOVE singing! Haha

Another thing that has been poking and prodding at me is this whole boy situation I am in. I don't really know what to do about it, so I am winging it. I know somewhat what I want, and I know what I don't want. It can be confusing and hard to separate at times... but honestly if I know what I want then why not get it! Ahhh haha I love getting my words out there. By writing on this funny blog it feels like I am venting to someone who will listen! Haha I am such a dork!

Well I love all of my friends, and I have had so much fun this summer! It has honestly been the best summer of my life! Haha sometimes I just get butterflies for no reason... and well right now is one of those times! I just love my life right now! I love my family... I love my crazy sisters and my brothers, and my parents of course! I just love everyone! I am going to miss my life in Aurora when I go back up to school! But the show must go on! <3

Mmmmhmmm!

So.... I have had a great week so far. My mom and I went out to lunch on Monday, and just talked about a ton of stuff. I missed that. I hadn't hung out or really talked to her in a long time. I played volleyball that night after FHE. I did not do as well as I did last week which is O.K. We always play volleyball until like midnight. It can get kind of frustrating because we get some people who just don't have any coordination... and well volleyball is a sport of coordination. My sexy mexy and I get really frustrated as do some of the other people. But I guess we just have to live with the stalkers who play with us every week. Haha

I have this full time job that pays really well, and all I do is pretty much sit there. It is nice, but boring at times. I work with my friends Carrie and Calvin and Scott. Today Calvin and I decided that we are going to go sit out on a corner downtown (because we work right downtown) where it is busy and play some music and try and get money for it. He is going to play the harmonica, Carrie is going to play the keyboard, and I am going to sing, and possibly pretend to play the guitar for fun. It should be really fun when we get around to it. We have to have a band practice before we can actually act like bums. I guess Calvin and Steffen talked to this bum downtown the other night, so they know all the good places to make money. Haha oh my life.

I am so excited for school. I know that I talk about it a lot, but I just can't help it. I am nervous however, for the actual school part. But still extremely excited. I have been doing a lot of thinking and trying to obtain the better things in life. I am in debt right now and can't wait for my first paycheck so I can start getting out of debt. I am just so happy about all the blessings in life that I have. I love my family so much and I am so glad that my mom is so loving to me. I love my friends so much. I am so happy that I am able to be myself around everyone, and they still like me. Haha I can get pretty weird sometimes. Well that is all that is on my mind for now!

Life can be crazy... I just need stability

So lately I have been feeling like I just don't have any control whatsoever over any aspect of my life. It is not a good feeling. I don't know what to do with my life... I don't have any money... I don't really have the support of my family with anything I am doing... The only stable thing I have in my life is part of my social life. And even that is kind of out of control. Melanie is really awesome, and my best friend! I go to church, and that is THE only for sure stable thing I have. I don't want to complain too much... or at all even. I just feel like my life has become too crazy to handle right now. I just need an outlet. Haha That is all that has been on my mind for tonight.

First Blog Ever!

So I am blogging for the first time! This is exciting!

There are so many things going on in life.. it is crazy! I am working at UC Denver doing the most boring things! They are so random... but I have come to the conclusion that I am getting paid for pretty much doing nothing... so why complain! Haha I actually can't wait to go back to school. In a way I am dreading it but can't wait. I just know that things are going to be so different when I get back. I am not the type of person to deal well with change. So in that respect I am not that excited. But I am really excited for classes. I am going to be taking 18 credit hours. To everyone who will read this it probably means that you care about me, and I probably won't have time for anyone in my life. I am sorry! Haha But anyway, I am just ready to get down to business!

I love my life, and I am really excited for all the changes that will be coming with this next year!