I'm Not That Girl

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl:

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl

Wicked

Addicted to Austen

So recently I have been watching all these Jane Austen movies! They are just soooo amazing! What a world it was back then! So crazy! I have watched Mansfield Park, Sense and Sensibility, and Pride and Prejudice recently. I just need to watch Emma, and I am sure there are other ones! I really want to read all of these books. I am just not sure if I will be able to hold out on reading them. Haha

Anyway I have been home for the past two days, and I just love it! I am soooo happy here! And I think I just need a change of scenery to be happy! I think I am going to move. I haven't hashed out all the details yet on what I am going to do. All I know is that I just HAVE to get out of the place where I have been through soooooooo much! I think I have seriously been depressed. I am tired of putting forth the effort to be noticed when I know I clearly am NOT! But this blog is not to complain or whine about things. I am just simply letting you, the reader, in my mind on why I am making a very big decision in my life. Anywho... I am just happy at home, and I can't wait to see what is going to happen in the next couple of months! Love love love love love!

Self Worth

So tonight at my institute we had this spa night for all the girls. Before we started pampering ourselves we had to sit through this lesson. The lesson was about inner beauty. I originally didn't want to go to "spa night" because I have been feeling anti social, if you can believe that. I ended up going and let me tell you, I am glad that I did. I really needed to hear the lesson that was given. It was like it was directed straight towards me! I love how every once in a while there are those words that you just need to hear, and someone gives a lesson, and you are like, "can you read my mind... did you write that just for me?" Crazy, I know! This was one of those times. The wonderful person giving the lesson was talking about being women, and the specific things our Heavenly Father gave us as women. It was very sweet and loving and compassionate. It made me think that ok... I can be mad...(like I so clearly pointed out in my last blog)... but as a Daughter of God, and a caring compassionate woman, I can choose to be loving. I actually felt myself torn between wanting to be mad, and knowing I don't have to be, and feeling love. Just the pure love that our Savior has taught us to have. It was an incredible break through, I thought, on my attitude. Maybe I knew what I had to do, but I just didn't want to do it. So this actually was a blessing for me. It wasn't a slap in the face as so many break throughs are. It was a gentle reminder of who I am and how I should be acting. When we were talking about the qualities that women have I couldn't help but think of my wonderful mom! It made me miss her so much. She is so loving and can heal my heart when it is broken, and ultimately do anything she wants. She is super mom! Haha I guess this was a good thing for me to hear. Now all I need to do is show people that I can be happy, and that things are going to get better. I think maybe with the right attitude all this crap that I am going through will be manageable. Just maybe.... Haha Anyway, I am very thankful for my wonderful friends. I only have a couple... haha but at least I have some! So to my friends, thank you for putting up with me when I was acting like The Grinch! I promise I will try and pull myself out of it! Love you!

"You belong with me!"

So just for the record my titles to my posts don't necessarily have anything to do with what I am going to write about. Like this post isn't really about someone belonging with me... the song was just in my head, and I love it. Ha Sooooooooo.... lately I have been really down in the dumps. And more recently I have been talking about how we are able to control what kind of mood we are in. LIke if I am happy it is because I am choosing to be happy. Or if I am sad it is because I am choosing to be sad, etc. But at this moment i wish I didn't have that knowledge. I just want to be sad without having to choose to be sad. Or have some sort of emotion without having to make it be that way. Like just amazingly happy without even thinking about it. Even sad without even thinking about it. But as it is, I have to think about the things in my life that aren't going right. I have to make myself appear happy. It is tiring. So as of right now I guess I am choosing to be angry at little things that happen to me; people that don't care to have me around; friends who "pretend" to be friends. I don't really care that I am angry... it feels better than pretending to be happy. I don't want to seem happy when I am just not. And right now, heck no I am not happy.

But, I just needed to get that out. Sometimes saying things without the surety that someone is listening is a lot better than saying it to their face thinking they care enough to comfort you or be there for you. I feel like it is passing on a risk that could potentially hurt you. And I am all about avoiding situations where I am going to be hurt. I am not really into that whole putting myself through pain. I am tired of being the chaser in any situation. With friends, family, relationships. So I guess I am just going to take a chill pill and sit back. I have been alone lately and I am kind of getting used to it. I want to be able to fend for myself, and I am slowly but surely learning how to do that. So if sitting back means I will be alone, then I am fine with it. Just means there are no disappointments. Which is fine by me.

Anywho... Haha I just had, and have a vision of what I want my life to be. Lets hope I can in someway control it. And if not, who knows where life will take me. I guess I am along for the ride.

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moods

sad
lazy
bored
happy
energetic
depressed
angry
sleepy (yes it is a mood)
crazy
nostalgic
rebellious
loving
romantic

just some of the moods or feelings of everyday life...

song of the day... need you now- lady antebellum

i am putting together lists of movies that need to be seen and books that need to be read...